


A Little Bit of Light

by themoongirl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ......yet, ALSO evan's arm is not broken, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel, Tree Bros, also in this story the date that connor kills himself is a few weeks after he pushed evan, everyone be safe please, i want everyone to read safely, major trigger warnings for suicide attempts, no one ends up dying in the end, opposed to a few days like in the show, that's a spoiler but, this is focused more on their friendship but more will happen WAY towards the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2018-12-25 10:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12034308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoongirl/pseuds/themoongirl
Summary: When Connor Murphy plans to end it all, he doesn't expect to time travel back to the exact moment he pushed Evan Hansen to the ground. A strange phone call informs him that he has another chance to live the last few weeks of his life, but he certainly doesn't expect those weeks to revolve around the boy with the blue polo shirt.





	1. Chapter One

He was on auto pilot. He felt himself moving but he wasn’t thinking about what he was doing. He didn’t care. He wasn’t feeling and that’s what was important. 

He sat on the bed, staring at the wall as he listened to the farthest away sound. His mom saying goodnight to Zoe, shutting off the lights in the hall. He heard the floor creaking as she walked through the hallway, and then stop. He knew from many years of listening to the creaking floorboards that she was outside of his room. He heard a faint “Goodnight, Connor”. He couldn’t get himself to speak. She kept walking.

He waited some more. He waited until there was nothing but room noise, nothing but a far away clock ticking and the subtle house creaks. And then he stood up. His legs felt like noodles. He opened the door, and walked downstairs.

The next thing he knew he was at the medicine cabinet. He grabbed the bottle that he knew would do the trick. He stuffed them in his jean pockets. 

He walked out of the house.

He kept walking.

And walking.

He found the park that was a few minutes from his house. There was a large area of grass. He sat down. The grass was lightly damp, it felt soothing on his hot hands. He took out the pills. He stared at them.

He thought about everything, the bullshit that he called his life, and then a wave of relief went through him. This was it. None of that mattered anymore. It was over already. 

He opened the bottle. He poured them into his mouth.

Then darkness.

-

Connor Murphy was pushing Evan Hansen. He was pushing him to the ground and he was about to call him a fucking freak and he knows this because he’s been here before doing the exact same thing and- wait.

This wasn’t right. This had already happened? Was this hell? Was hell really repeating your worst moments like people have theorized?

“Shit, oh my god?” Connor said, stepping back from Evan Hansen. 

He was loosely aware that his hands were shaking, and Evan was looking up at him, his eyes fearful, before averting his gaze.

“Shit, but, I thought-“ Connor stuttered. “This isn’t right.”

“I-I’m-“ Evan muttered, pulling his backpack closer to him. He was still on the ground, staring at the floor. “I wasn’t laughing at you- really, I just, I didn’t know how to react and-“

Connor just stared at him. He felt the guilt coming back that he had felt that same day. The guilt that he had pushed someone who didn’t deserve it, who was like him, lonely and different. The guilt that he had sank so LOW, but he couldn’t handle the thought that even Evan Hansen laughed at him behind his back. Or in front of him.

“-I shouldn’t have laughed, I r-really shouldn’t have and I’m sorry and God, Jared’s just like that sometimes I-“

“Fuck,” Connor muttered, looking around him. Everything was the same. The clammy school hallways, the people rushing to class, the ones walking slower as they stared at the scene before them. “Something is wrong.”

He met Evan’s gaze again. He looked confused. “Wrong? Are you okay?”

“No I-“ What the fuck was happening? What was he supposed to do?” “I just- I don’t- I did something and- I have to go. I’m sorry for pushing you.”

He turned around and bolted, and he could feel Evan’s gaze staring after him.

He pushed through the doors that led to the school parking lot. His car was parked in the same spot he had that morning. Shit, what day was it even? He had pushed Evan on the first day of school, so it had to be September 4th? He pulled his phone out of his pocket. The date displayed was September 4th, at 9:05am. Three weeks before he decided to take the pills. Connor swore under his breath. He also felt a bit sick.

He jogged over to his car and threw himself inside. The ball of anxiety on his chest was growing. He covered his face with his hands and tried to calm his breathing. None of this made sense. One second he was intending on ending his life and the next- he’s back in time? And to this specific moment?

He runs a hand through his hair, leaning his head back against the seat and exhaling. Maybe he was hallucinating. Or maybe this IS a form of hell. He didn’t want to live so some greater forces keep him living, in a spiral of the first day of school. But still, why not start at the beginning? Why start right when he’s pushing Evan?

His phone starts ringing. It says Unknown Number. With a shaky hand, he picks it up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Connor.”

He frowns, he doesn’t recognize the voice, but they sound friendly.

“Who is this?” He asks.

“That’s not important,” They reply. “I’m assuming by this point you’re very confused.”

His heart stops. “Excuse me?”

“I know you know what I mean. Welcome to the world of time travel, or at least, that’s what this world has decided to call it.”

Connor thinks he might vomit. “I-I don’t know what you’re taking a-“

“Yes you do. I know you remember the pills, and the fight with your family, and all of the events that took place after this present moment.”

This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. 

“Am I in hell?” He couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“No, Connor, you’re not in hell,” Said the voice. Connor breathed a sigh of relief. “But you are alive, and it is September 4th.”

Connor couldn’t help but wonder which option was worse.

“What’s going on? How is this possible?” He asked.

“Don’t you worry about how this is possible, that’s not for you to know. What is for you to know is the reason you’re here. Or, well, part of it.”

“There’s a reason?” He asked, swallowing.

“Evan Hansen.” The voice replied.

Connor felt his stomach twist, but he also just felt more confused. “Evan Hansen?”

“Yes. You two are two sides of the same coin. Your lives are linked closely with one another.”

Connor frowned at that. “I don’t even talk to the guy he- we’re not friends. I don’t have friends.”

“That is precisely the problem.”

Connor was getting annoyed, he didn’t need more people judging him for not communicating well with humans. “You’re not making any sense.” He wanted to chuck his phone through the window.

“It’ll make sense later. For now, talk to him.”

Connor slammed his head back against the seat. “This isn’t what I wanted.”

The voice started to sound angry. “Listen to me very carefully Connor Murphy. What you are now apart of, is bigger than you. Talk to him. See what happens. And if at the end of all of this, if you still want to die, I’ll give that to you.”

Connor thought about it for a moment. He really didn’t want to spend another second on this earth, but if she kept her promise, he would only have to tough it out for a little longer. He felt frustrated because he thought, less than an hour ago, it would be over for good, but no. He’s still here. 

He sighed, gripping his hair in his hand. “How do I know when this is all over?”

“You will, trust me.”

“How can I trust you, you’re a voice coming through my phone.”

The voice laughed. “Am I coming through your phone?” Beep.

Connor looked at the screen. The phone was off. He frantically looked at his call history. Nothing.

He dropped his phone into his lap. He was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so HI
> 
> my head has been spinning with the amount of fic ideas revolved around this damn musical so i thought i would go ahead and write one. the chapters will usually be much longer than this but i wanted to get something up just to get this train rolling. so here's the first part, and you can look out for chapter two sometime within the next couple of days (likely tomorrow or hell, even tonight if i get excited).
> 
> oh yeah also, in relation to the musical... i changed a few things. evan has NOT broken his arm yet, and the date connor tried to kill himself is three weeks after he pushes evan (opposed to in the actual musical, he kills himself a few days after). i think that's all.
> 
> happy reading :)


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor crossed his arms. “You apologize a lot, you know that?”
> 
> Evan looked down at his lap. “Yeah, yeah I know. S- I mean, yeah.”

So here he was, a few hours ago he thought he killed himself, which wasn’t actually a few hours ago… It made his brain hurt. 

So here he was. He sat in his car until lunch time, because he would be damned if he walked into class an hour late. Better to just not go at all. Once the bell rang, he marched into that school ignoring everyone around him. He only had eyes for one person. 

He walked around the school for fifteen minutes looking for Evan, and he was slowly failing miserably. Where could that kid go off to? Evan Hansen had the power to appear invisible but also stand out in the crowd at the same time, if that was even possible. It made sense to Connor.

He was seconds away from giving up when he found Evan sitting by himself outside, propped up against the school’s brick wall. He had a sandwich sitting beside him with two bites taken out of it, and he was reading. 

Now Connor was in the awkward position where Evan hadn’t realized he was standing there but he also couldn’t walk away. He also couldn’t help noticing how Evan’s faced was scrunched in a look of interest at the book in his lap, and his one hand was fiddling with the laces on his shoe. He looked at ease, something Connor hadn’t seen much of in him. He couldn’t help but take a second to wonder at how for some reason, on this strange planet they live on, he was connected to this boy sitting right here. For some reason, he went back in time because of Evan. It didn’t make sense, obviously, but for the first time that day he had a feeling of wonderment for this entire situation. And he didn’t feel too badly about it.

He snapped out of it when Evan was turning the page in his book and looked up to see Connor standing there. Evan jumped, looking like someone in a horror movie, but before he could freak out Connor put his hands up.

“Easy, sorry, I’m just here to apologize,” Connor said.

Evan relaxed a little, but he was still looking fearful. “You already apologized though.” Evan searched Connor’s face, but then blinked. “Shit, sorry, that sounded rude I didn’t mean- I just mean I’ve already forgiven you. Sorry.”

Connor crossed his arms. “You apologize a lot, you know that?”

Evan looked down at his lap. “Yeah, yeah I know. S- I mean, yeah.”

Connor’s heart did a little flutter. “It’s not a bad thing. You just, yeah, you don’t always have to.”

Evan nodded, relaxing a little. Connor cleared his throat.

“So,” Connor began, leaning against the wall. “This is where you set up camp?”

Evan looked down at his lunch. “Yeah, for now, until it gets cold I mean. I don’t- the cafeteria is-“

“The devil in the form of a room?” Connor finished.

Evan let out a little laugh. “Yeah, yeah exactly.”

There was silence for a second. Evan kept fiddling with the zipper on his sweater nervously. Connor could easily tell that socializing made him nervous, but he knew pointing that out would only make him more self-conscious of it. It was awkward talking to Evan standing up though, so Connor slid down the wall so he was sitting beside him. Evan’s eyes flickered up to him before retreating back to his lap.

“Is this okay?” Connor asked.

“Oh, yeah, no problem,” Evan replied, giving him a shy smile. “Um, why were- actually no, never mind.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“It’s fine,” Evan replied.

“No, you can ask me,” Connor asked, having a feeling where this was going.

“I just- um, are you okay? After earlier, I mean,” Evan replied. “You seemed- I mean you said something was wrong, so I just wanted to check if you were, you know, okay?”

Connor’s heart did another little flutter, and he wanted to yell at it to stop. It hadn’t done that in a long time, as sad as it sounds. In fact, he can’t remember the last time someone asked if he was okay, unless they were his mom or his sister Zoe, but he had stopped taking their questions seriously a long time ago.

Connor cleared his throat, averting Evan’s eye contact for a second. “Yeah, yeah, just got a little nervous, this place makes me kind of nuts.” He said, half true.

Evan nodded. “I get that.” He said it looking directly into Connor’s eyes, and Connor sort of felt like Evan was looking through him. 

Connor cleared his throat. “Is that Catcher in the Rye?” He asked, referring to the book, now closed, in Evan’s lap.

“Yeah,” Evan replied. “It’s actually my third time reading it.”

“You like it that much?” Connor asked. 

Evan nodded. “I like the writing style. And the story I guess.”

“No offence, but it sort of made me want to jump off a bridge.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “Actually?”

Connor chuckled. It felt weird. “To be fair I had to read it for a school assignment three years ago, so that could be why.”

“You should read it again.”

“Maybe.”

“Why are you talking to me?”

The question came so suddenly Connor almost jumped. 

“Why shouldn’t I talk to you?” Connor knew it was an asshole response.

Evan looked away, still fiddling with his hands. “Don’t make me say it.”

Now Connor was a little confused. “What do you mean?”

Evan leaned his head back against the wall, looking straight ahead. “No one talks to me. And when they do, it’s only for their benefit.” 

Connor felt guilty at that. Especially because, in a way, he felt like he was only talking to Evan for his own benefit. He couldn’t think about that right now though, he had to stay on mission. But he also couldn’t be too forward, he didn’t want Evan to not believe him when he’s suddenly wanting to be friends with him. That’s out of Connor’s character, and he knows it.

“Honestly, I’m avoiding the cafeteria and when I saw you out here you looked at peace so,” Connor said. “I don’t know. I thought maybe it would be nice to not spend another year eating lunch alone.”

Evan was silent for a moment, looking up at Connor before retreating his eyes again. “Okay. Right, yeah, okay. Um, cool.”

Evan had a slight smile on his face, so Connor took that as a win.

The bell rang. Connor had a moment of wanting to just run right out of the school and not come back at the thought of going to class, but then he looked at Evan. Evan packed away his not-even-half-eaten-sandwich and his book with shaking hands. He stood up, looking like how Connor felt. They made eye contact, and Connor tried for a small smile.

Evan’s breath was coming out uneven. “Sorry, I just…. this place makes me nuts.” He repeated what Connor said earlier.

“I get it.” Connor replied.

Evan met his eyes with a knowing look, then he exhaled. “Okay, let’s go.”

They walked inside together.

-

Connor didn’t see Evan after school, but he thought that was probably best considering he felt like murder. Repeating his last two classes of the day that he had already taken once before the time travel was the last thing he needed. Sitting in the back corner by himself, watching everyone talk to each other about their summer’s and listening to the teacher do the same old spiel about showing up to class and paying attention and participation. As soon as the bell rang he bolted out, only stopping to see if Evan was anywhere. When he wasn’t, he got into his car and drove the fuck away.

Now he just felt weird and hopeless. Talking to Evan had been nice, and it made him forget about everything for a second, but he felt like he was right back to where he was before. The thought of going back to his family, of having to deal with another stupid dinner and then repeating it all tomorrow… it was safe to say he felt just as depressed.

But still. He drove home and went inside.

-

 

Evan Hansen figured he should check his pill bottles when he gets home to make sure he didn’t take too many, because he genuinely felt like he was hallucinating. Connor Murphy had lunch with him. Connor Murphy, the guy who didn’t give anyone the time of day. Connor Murphy, the guy who seemed just as lonely as Evan but didn’t seem to give a shit about it. That Connor Murphy.

And of course, the second he walked through the front door his mom was there, asking him how is day was.

Heidi Hansen, already in her nurses uniform, with a bright smile on her face. She looked so optimistic, so hopeful with her long blonde hair complimenting her wide blue eyes. Evan hated when he had to let her down, but at least he had something good to tell her today.

“Yeah mom, it was good,” Evan muttered, walking to the kitchen to get some milk.

“Really?” She asked, following him and leaning against the kitchen table. “Well, tell me more!”

Evan turned around. “I, um, I had lunch with a guy named Connor.”

Heidi’s eyes lit up even more. “You did? That’s great, hunny! What’s he like?”

Evan cleared his throat. “He’s, well, he doesn’t have a lot of friends, and um, he likes to read.” Evan thinks he likes to read. Now that he really thought about it, he didn’t know much about Connor.

“Aw, he sounds like you,” She grinned. “Well, I’m really happy to hear that Evan. See? This year is going to be good, I can feel it.”

She walked over and kissed him on the forehead. Evan smiled, grabbing his bag and heading up to his room.

He plopped down onto his bed and took out his laptop. He had a message from Jared.

jared: dudeeeee i heard that connor murphy pushed you after i left this morning

Evan sighed.

evan: where did you hear that?

Evan waited. He looked around on social media for any of Connor’s profiles, but he couldn’t find any. In fact, there was no trace of Connor online.

jared: word gets around man

jared: why? did it not happen

evan: no. well, yeah

jared: ??????

evan: ok yeah he pushed me but it was an accident

jared: how does someone accidentally push you

evan: i mean like he pushed me but then he apologized….

jared: sure

evan: i’m serious

jared: i’m sure you can understand why i find that reeeeally hard to believe

evan: i don’t actually

jared: it’s CONNOR MURPHY

jared: connor murphy. threw a printer at the teacher in 2nd grade connor murphy

Evan just stared at the message. He was aware of this, but he didn’t care. It was so long ago. The guy he talked to today seemed completely different. 

evan: look jared, it’s fine, he’s a good person

jared: bc you talked to him for 2 seconds???

evan: we had lunch together

jared: whAAAAAAAT

evan: yeah

jared: and you didn’t get murdered???

evan: ok i’m logging off now

jared: WAIT

evan: what

jared: ok ok ok sorry, it’s just hard to believe but i’ll believe you

evan: okay

Evan closed his laptop. He felt annoyed. Sure Connor had a reputation, but if he judged him for it then he would be just as bad as all of the people who judged Evan himself. He leaned back against the pillow on his bed. 

Tomorrow he would ask Connor more questions about himself. Tomorrow, he would find out more about the real Connor.

-

Except that the next day, Evan waited in the same spot outside, and Connor didn’t come. When the bell rang, Evan felt the ball of anxiety in his chest like a crushing weight, but he went to class anyways even though he didn’t hear a thing the teacher said.

Connor didn’t meet him for lunch the next day, either.

Or the next day.

And Evan felt more alone than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 2 for all of you lovely people
> 
> thanks for reading and commenting! comments seriously motivate me
> 
> happy readingggg


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you want, Kleinman?” Connor asked, looking back down at his phone. He hated this kid.
> 
> “Just checking to see if I’m actually seeing Connor Murphy or his ghost,” Jared crossed his arms. “Although, you’re so pale I don’t really know the difference.”

Connor didn’t know what he deserved to be woken up at 6am, but that’s exactly what happened on Friday morning. He pulled the pillow that had just been chucked at him off of his face to see his sister Zoe standing over him with her arms crossed.

“You have to go to school today,” She eyed him.

Connor wanted to laugh as he turned away from her. “Thanks, mom.”

He felt the pillow that he was laying on be ripped out from underneath him. Then he was smacked in the face with it.

“You can’t-“ Smack. “Just go for the first day-“ Smack. “And then not show up again.” Smack.

Connor sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Jesus. stop, I’m serious- stop! I’m sick.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Maybe that excuse worked on mom but I know better. Get up.”

It’s true, the excuse had worked on his mom, but that’s only because he was really quite good at faking illness nowadays. His dad however, was seconds away from kicking him out of the house if he didn’t get his act together. Connor, well, Connor was finding it really hard to care about his life altogether. 

Zoe was still standing there, tapping her foot. “Well?”

“Well what?” Connor replied.

Zoe lifted the pillow again.

“Okay okay!” Connor stopped her. “Why do you care anyways?”

The Murphy siblings had a complicated relationship. On a good day, they liked each other mildly. On every other day, which was most of the time, they pretended the other didn’t exist and would have the occasional deafening fight that usually ended in tears and Connor being grounded for a month. 

Today must have been a good day, although Connor really didn’t know why.

Zoe ran a hand through her hair. “Just- go to school okay?”

Connor lifted an eyebrow. “What did they say to you?”

Zoe wasn’t meeting his eye. “It’s not what they said to ME, it’s what I heard them saying.”

“Okay, so what did you hear?” Connor asked. 

Zoe was inching closer to the door. “Can’t you just trust me?”

Connor laughed. “No.”

That was probably not the best response, because Zoe just huffed and left the room.

Connor fell back against the bed with a groan, staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t hard to guess what Zoe had heard. It ranged from them wanting to kick Connor out of the house, or get him to see another doctor about his “mental problem”. Neither sounded good to Connor. He had been to many doctors, each one Connor hated more. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate his parent’s helping him, it was just that they didn’t get it. They expected him to go to the doctor’s and be fixed, become that boy that they knew when he was younger and he just could not become that. Every doctor looked at him like they understood, but they only understood what his parent’s were telling them. Connor felt sick just thinking about it.

He kept laying there, watching the clock continue to tick. He wanted to close his eyes again and have another depression sleep, and he was just about to, but then his phone rang. Unknown Number.

“…Hello?”

“What are you doing?”

It was the voice again. Connor looked at his phone screen, and indeed, the phone was turned off. He stomach did a flip flop.

“How are you doing that?” He asked the phone.

“Not important. What are you doing?” The voice sounded a little angry.

Connor rolled his eyes. “What are YOU doing?”

“Connor Murphy. Answer my question.”

“I’m currently hanging out with Evan Hansen.”

“Do not lie to me.”

“Fine. I’m in bed.”

“School starts in 40 minutes.”

“And?”

“AND, you are not pleasing me by staying in bed.”

“I don’t even know you, why would I please you?” Connor shot back. He was feeling particularly feisty today.

“Because we had a deal.” 

“People usually shake hands when they make a deal.” Connor was growing more agitated. 

“I told you, that when this is over, if you still want to die then I would give that to you.”

Connor sighed. “Okay, but what’s stopping me from jumping in front of a train right now?”

“How do you know you won’t go right back to the moment you pushed Evan again?”

Connor’s eyes widened. Shit. Would he just go on an endless loop of the first day of school? Fuck.

“Fuck.”

“Mhm. So go to school.”

“He doesn’t even seem like he needs me! He’s doing fine-“

The voice ‘hung up’.

Connor sighs, but gets out of bed.

-

Connor stood at his locker, doing random shit on his phone with his head down as he waited for the extra five minutes before the bell rang. He hated this place. He hated it so much. His arms itched. 

“Aaaand he returns!”

Connor lifted his head up to see Jared Kleinman, big glasses and all, leaning against the locker next to his.

“What do you want, Kleinman?” Connor asked, looking back down at his phone. He hated this kid.

“Just checking to see if I’m actually seeing Connor Murphy or his ghost,” Jared crossed his arms. “Although, you’re so pale I don’t really know the difference.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Okay, you’ve checked, bye.”

“So I hear you had lunch with my boy Evan.” Jared grinned.

Connor looked up, meeting his eyes. “So?”

“Soooo, what’s with that?”

Connor briefly remembered Evan saying he had no friends, although now that he thought about it, he had seen him talking to Jared a few times.

“Why do you care?” Connor asked. “We’re not friends, and I hardly think Evan is ‘your boy’.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “It’s just a saying, and me and him are family friends.”

Family friends. AKA, Jared is too afraid to call Evan his friend. Connor felt his insides turn thinking about how Evan must have felt the first time Jared referred to him as that.

Connor chuckled darkly. “How generous of you, hiding behind the title ‘family friend’.”

Connor began walking away. “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” Connor heard him calling after him but he kept walking to class.

-

Evan Hansen was having a horrible morning. And he felt even more horrible because of how little of a thing he was freaking out over.

He had a sub in his second class, which was never a good sign. Most of the teachers knew of Evan’s anxiety so they didn’t call on him, but subs didn’t. It was math class, and Evan was really horrible at math. He was sitting in the back corner, trying not to panic over the two guys a row in front of him whispering and looking back at him, when he heard his name come out of the teacher’s mouth. He immediately felt everyone turn to look at him, waiting for him to answer, but he had just repeated “um, um” a million times while flipping through his notes with shaking hands until the teacher finally called on Alana Beck, who raised her hand to save him. He didn’t know if she did that on purpose or not, but he was grateful.

The class ended a few minutes later and his heart was still pounding in his chest. He could have sworn it was visible through his shirt, it was pounding so hard. He practically ran to his spot for lunch outside and collapsed against the wall, sliding down it and resting his head in his hands.

Now he just sat there, his body feeling like his phone on vibrate, his face red and sweaty, his breath coming out fast and irregular. The sun felt too bright, the air too sticky, and he briefly wondered how long it would take anyone to find his body if he just died right here. Oh god, he couldn’t calm down. He was trying, trying so hard, but the more he thought about being calm the more he freaked out because he couldn’t imagine being in a mindset where he was calm. And jesus, when was the last time he had felt calm? His mind just kept replaying all of the eyes in the room staring at him and the teacher’s confused stare and his mind’s ability to completely forget everything he knew about math. He couldn’t get his mind to slow down, and he felt the self hatred begin to set in as he just kept thinking about how dumb he is and-

“Woah woah woah, Hansen?”

He heard Connor Murphy’s voice like it was coming through a tunnel. Now he thinks he must be going nuts, because why would Connor Murphy be here? He tried spending one lunch with Evan and couldn’t even do that. Evan blew it with the first person at this school who actually seemed remotely interested in Evan, he blew it in less than an hour. There’s no way he’s here-

But he is. Connor is kneeling beside Evan and tearing Evan’s sweaty hands away from his face and making eye contact, and Evan realizes that his vision is all blurry because there are tears clouding his vision and falling onto his cheeks. He can’t stop hyperventilating.

“Hey, look I- uh, I’ve never been on the other end of these things before so- I hope I don’t say anything wrong but- just try to breathe,” Connor is saying.

And fuck, Evan can’t breathe.

“Shit, of course you’re trying to breathe,” Connor understands. “Um, okay, uh, give me your hand.”

Connor grabs onto Evan’s sweaty hand and places it onto Connor’s chest, and Evan can feel Connor’s heartbeat. Connor then places Evan’s other hand onto Evan’s own chest and he can feel his own racing heartbeat. 

“Now, try to focus on matching your heartbeat to mine, okay?” Connor is holding both of Evan’s hands against their chests. “Or even just close.”

Evan is trying, but now he’s just thinking about the fact that Connor is holding Evan’s hands, and he’s really close to him. Evan looks up at Connor, and wow, his eyes are piercing into his. And he looks worried, really worried, an expression he had never seen on Connor’s face before. He also smells nice, but not like cologne, just a specific scent that matches him. Also, his shoulder-length hair is falling into his face, but not on the right side, he must have tucked the right side behind his ear. Evan can’t help admiring how pretty he is? Does that even make sense?

Now Evan’s is realizing that hey, his heartbeat has slowed down. Not completely, but the tears have stopped and he can actually control his breathing now, although he feels winded. He sits there for another few moments, eyes not leaving Connor’s, until it feels appropriate to let go. Connor lets go too, and then lets himself fall back onto his ass, no longer kneeling over Evan. 

“Dammit,” Evan lets himself say, rubbing his hands over his face, wiping away the remaining wetness. 

Connor is pulling his hair back and tying it into a bun, making it look really easy. Evan can’t help but watch him. Connor moves so he’s leaning back against the wall beside Evan, letting his legs spread out in front of him. He exhales.

“Well, that was fun,” Connor tries for a smile.

And oh god, Evan feels himself turning red again. How embarrassing. Connor had found him mid-panic attack. It wasn’t anything new to Evan, but the only people he had fully-panicked in front of were his mom, his therapist, and Jared once. Other than that, he had only ever had the beginnings of a panic attack in front of classmates before running out of the room.

“I’m sorry,” Evan hears his own voice saying, but it sounds crackly and sore. “I didn’t mean- I just- I’m sorry.

Connor frowns. “Apologizing again?”

Evan looks down at his lap, the self hatred rising.

“I’m the one who should be apologizing,” Connor began. “I kind of ditched the past few days.”

Evan looks back up at Connor. “It’s okay, I get it, you don’t need to eat with me.”

Connor frowns more. “You think I ditched because of you?”

Evan nods slowly.

“No no, I- it’s a long story. I hate school, that’s the short version. It wasn’t to do with you.”

Well, that’s surprising to Evan. Although, it added to the mystery of Connor, and reminded him about how little Evan knows about him. But still, if Connor is telling the truth, then Evan didn’t scare him away. Unless he did just now when he panicked, but Connor hadn’t ran yet, so, maybe he was doing okay. Maybe.

“Oh, okay.” Evan replies.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? Or not, either is fine,” Connor said, pulling out a red bull from his bag.

Evan stares at the drink. “It was stupid.”

Connor cracks it open and takes a sip. “I freaked out at my sister once for leaving a Starbucks straw in my car. Whatever it is, it’s not stupid.”

That was interesting for Evan to hear. Although he knew about Connor’s anger from the printer story, it was interesting to hear Connor talk about it still. And, it was Connor telling him something about himself, so Evan felt like he had to return the favour. 

“I got called on to answer a question in math class and I just- I freaked out,” Evan replied, talking to the red bull instead of Connor’s face. “I have anxiety.”

Connor nodded. “That’s not stupid.”

“It feels stupid.”

“Well, it’s not,” Connor looks at him. “I can confirm.”

That makes Evan smile, he wants to change the topic. “Red bull for lunch?”

Connor smiles a little, it’s nice to look at. “Are you judging my eating habits, Hansen?”

Evan has a moment of panic that Connor is seriously mad, but he’s still smiling, so the feeling quickly deflates. “Doesn’t that get you wired?”

Connor shrugs. “I mean, yeah, but it tastes good so, and it keeps me awake.” Connor looked down at Evan’s bag. “I don’t see you eating.”

Evan shrugged, his stomach turning at the thought of food. He was still anxious. “I’m not really hungry after… well, after that.”

Connor looked like he was thinking. “Let’s skip class. I know this ice cream place we can try.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “W-we can’t skip class.”

“Who says we can’t?” Connor is standing up.

Evan stands up as well, his hands waving around. “I do! My mom! My grades!”

Connor lets out a laugh, and Evan’s heart flutters a bit. Wait, what? Why is his heart doing that? He clears his throat. “Haven’t you missed like, all week of classes?”

Connor shrugs and scratches his neck. “Maybe.”

Evan takes a moment. He can't let this go. Connor just asked Evan if he wants to hang out with him... outside of school. Meaning, he actually wants to spend time with him. He wants to keep talking to him and do stuff as if they're friends. Evan clears his throat. “U-um, we could, we could go after class?”

Connor looks at him, thinking for a moment. He looks back at the door, and then picks up his bag. “Fine, but I’m making you skip one day, Hansen.”

Evan smiles. “Last a full week of school, then talk to me.”

Connor opens the door, but then stops, looking at Evan. 

Evan sort of feels like Connor is looking deep into his soul. He doesn’t hate the eye contact for once. 

“You know,” Connor begins. “This feistiness looks good on you.”

Evan blushes, and they walk inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo, comments keep me motivated, this might sound needy and weird but they do!! when i know people like my work i write faster because i'm thinking of you :D
> 
> happy reading!


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I gotta confess, I had no plan when I asked you to hang out, I just wanted to get out of the house,” Connor says, sneaking a glance at Evan.
> 
> Evan’s wearing another polo with a black jacket over top. He has dark circles under his eyes, and Connor can’t help but feel worried.
> 
> “I-I’m glad you did, I- I didn’t want to be at my house either.” Evan replies.

Connor was, as the kids these days were saying, shook.

No he did not expect to find Evan Hansen having a full-blown panic attack, and no did he expect to actually feel as worried as he did. He also did not expect to be sitting in his car with Evan, parked at the ice cream place ‘A La Mode’ and eating their snack inside of the car. 

Connor immediately noticed that Evan wasn’t a fan of the amount of people in the shop, so they decided to eat it in the comfort of Connor’s car. It was, to say the least, a little awkward at first. 

Because Connor had only been talking to Evan for a total of two days now. He didn’t know much about the kid, and Evan didn’t know anything about Connor.

They had both read Catcher in the Rye. That was about it. Oh, and they both suffered from panic attacks, another riveting conversation starter.

Connor looked over at Evan eating his chocolate chip ice cream and decided he would just bounce right in.

“So,” Connor began. “You, uh feeling better now?”

Evan was avoiding eye contact, but he nodded. “Yeah, sor- I mean, yeah.”

Connor ignored his almost-sorry. “Where do you live?”

“Do you know where college park is? Like, right across the street from there.”

Connor froze at the mention of college park. That was it. The same park that he laid down in and took the pills and-

That also meant that Evan lived really close to him, which was interesting. How he had not known this, he did not know.

Connor looked down. “I live near there too.”

Connor could feel Evan staring at him. He subconsciously itched his arms. And dammit, he needed a cigarette. He didn’t smoke too often, only when this feeling came over him and he felt the increased need to not be awake anymore. 

“Connor?” He heard Evan ask.

“Mm?” Connor murmured. “Sorry, yeah, I just, do you mind if I smoke?”

“N-no, no go ahead.” Evan coughed.

Connor raised an eyebrow. “You do.”

“No!” Evan exclaimed. “Go ahead, I just, you apologized.”

Connor felt the corners of his mouth lift up as he grabbed his pack of Camels and lit one. He placed it between his teeth, appreciating the release. “I should probably drive you home now.”

Evan nodded hesitantly. “Okay.”

Connor drove with his window down, letting the smoke blow out away from Evan. He kept sneaking glances at him. The kid always looked nervous. He was twiddling with the zipper on his sweater in his lap, and he would run a hand through his hair occasionally. His eyes were so blue, Connor also noticed. And he had this nerd-cuteness to him. And he was so tiny. 

Connor scrunched his eyebrows together, and took another drag. Evan was just… Evan. A person who he was told by some random phone call to get to know so that he could eventually carry through with his wishes to die. That was it.

But Connor had to admit. Sitting here, driving through town with Evan next to him, it was… nice. It was nice to sit with someone at lunch, to know that after class he was meeting someone to go get ice cream with, it was all very nice. And new. 

Connor actually felt disappointed when he drove up to Evan’s house. He put the car in park.

Evan looked at him. “Thanks for the ice cream. I uh, it was really fun.”

“You’re making it sound like a date, Hansen.” Connor said with a smile. “Yeah, I had fun too.”

Evan smiled back, looking relieved. “I’ll see you, well, Monday?”

Connor nodded, chucking his cigarette out the window. “Yeah. You will.”

Evan nodded, and got out of the car. Connor watched him walk up to the door, and as he was going inside he stopped to wave. Connor waved back, and drove off.

-

It was Saturday, and Connor had spent most of his day in his room. But it was around two in the afternoon when he started to feel… bored? Which wasn’t weird, but he wanted to go out. Which hadn’t happened in awhile. Connor had a talent for staying in his room for large amounts of time without needing to leave.

It was after around five minutes that he realized that it wasn’t that he wanted to go out, it was that he wanted to see Evan.

He picked up his phone from his spot laying on his bedroom floor and looked at Evan’s new contact in his phone. He sighed, here goes nothing.

connor: hey

Connor tapped the sides of his phone as he waited for Evan to reply. He felt nervous all of a sudden, which was weird. And the nerves only grew when Evan wasn’t replying. Maybe he was busy, or he just didn’t want to reply. Connor felt a pang in his hands when he thought about how there is a possibility that Evan changed his mind, that he no longer wanted to see Connor, that maybe he was too much for him. He closed his eyes, trying to stop those thoughts from clouding his brain, when he heard a knock on his door.

He looked up to see his mom standing in the doorway. Cynthia Murphy was dressed in workout gear and she had a small smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes. Connor can’t remember a time that he felt like his mother was just looking at him, instead of walking on egg shells.

“Hey Connor,” She said, not fully walking into the room. “You’ve been in here all day, your father is worried.”

Connor chuckled. “Sure.”

Cynthia sighed. “He is.”

“And he can’t tell me that himself?” Connor asked, laying his head back down on the floor.

Cynthia leaned against the doorway. “You barely went to school at all last week Connor, and now you’re staying in here all weekend.”

“I’m not,” Connor said, looking at her. “I’m going out with my, er, my friend.”

Cynthia’s eyes lit up. “Oh, oh! You are? What’s his name?”

Connor felt his heart pang at seeing her so happy, so excited, just at the thought that someone might want to hang out with Connor. 

“Evan.” He answered.

“Well, that’s great hunny, will you be home for dinner?” She asked.

Even if Evan didn’t reply to Connor, he could go grab something for himself. Anything to get out of a lovely dinner with the Murphy’s.

“No, I think we were gonna get food or something,” Connor answered, not meeting her eye.

“Okay, well, have fun okay?” She starting walking backwards and shutting the door. Connor just gave her a smile that felt more like a grimace.

Connor knew she was trying, he felt that much. But things just felt hopeless between him and his family. His dad, Larry, barely talked to him. It’s like he had given up already. After the 800th family fight that ended with Connor punching a wall or screaming and slamming the door, Larry began to distance himself until he stopped trying altogether. Now whenever they talked at dinner it was like he was just speaking without saying anything. His mom, well, she tried. But sometimes it felt like she was talking to him like he had a gun in his hand. Like she’s ready for him to explode. Like she wants to help him, wants to figure this out, but she has no idea how. And Connor also knows that Larry is a problem with that. Connor’s heard his mom mention tactics to help him before, and he’s overheard his dad shut them down. It’s an endless cycle.

Zoe, well, Zoe is a completely different story. Their relationship sometimes feels like a contract. They occasionally help each other out, like the other day for example when Zoe warned him about going to school, but that’s only on a good day. When Connor gets bad, he sometimes takes the anger out on her. Because she’s sitting there, with her perfect personality and her perfect grades and perfect school rep, and it just feels like she’s mocking him. Their parents ask her how her day was, ask her if she needs anything, talk to her about jazz band, and Connor just walks right by likes he means nothing to them. And it hurt the first few times, but now he’s just numb to it.

Thinking about all of this makes his arms itch again, and his brain has taken him back to the night when he tried to kill himself, but then his phone pings.

evan: hi, sorry for the late reply i was wrapped up in something

connor: do you wanna do something tonight?

evan: do something? like hang out?

connor: yes hansen, hang out

evan: yes!!!

evan: that probably seemed really enthusiastic sorry

evan: i mean

evan: i’m not sorry

evan: but i’m also excited? i should have just used one explanation mark

Connor doesn’t even realize how wide he is grinning at his phone.

connor: okkkkkkk can i pick you up in 30 minutes?

evan: yes!

-

30 minutes later and Connor and Evan are driving. Connor gets halfway out of Evan’s street when he realizes he has no idea where they are going.

“I gotta confess, I had no plan when I asked you to hang out, I just wanted to get out of the house,” Connor says, sneaking a glance at Evan.

Evan’s wearing another polo with a black jacket over top. He has dark circles under his eyes, and Connor can’t help but feel worried.

“I-I’m glad you did, I- I didn’t want to be at my house either.” Evan replies.

Connor frowns. “What were you wrapped up in?”

Connor can see Evan fiddling with his fingers from the corner of his eye.

“My dad moved back in today.”

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “Your dad?”

Evan nods, and Connor pulls over to the side of the road. Evan looks at him confusingly, but Connor just turns off the car. He turns towards Evan.

“So I’m guessing we don’t like your dad?” Connor asked, turning his body so he has his full attention.

Evan looks distant. “He, uh, well, he left when I was really young, but- well, things weren’t going well with his other family, so, he’s back here to give that a shot.”

“And your mom allowed that?” Connor asks.

Evan sighs. “She didn’t at first. She said there was no way in hell he would be allowed to move back. But- but then, she met with him a few times, and she told me he’s really sorry about everything, and that if I really didn’t want him back in the house then, then I could tell her that and she wouldn’t allow it…. but-“ 

Evan cuts himself off, his hands are shaking. Connor reaches over and hesitates last second, but then he puts his arm on Evan’s shoulder. Evan finally meets Connor’s eyes.

“She looked- so, so happy when she was talking to me about him, and I just, I started thinking about the times when she told me about how he left her, and how sad she was, and now that he’s back- how could I deny her of that?”

Connor frowned. He already didn’t like the guy. 

“How were things today?” Connor asked.

Evan looks out at the window past Connor’s head. “Well, fine I guess, but weird. It felt weird having him back in the house, but I don’t know, I guess I’ll see how it goes?”

Connor nodded. “I guess that’s all you can do.”

Evan shrugged. “Yeah.”

Connor opens his car door. “C’mon, let’s just walk.”

He gets out and stretches, and Evan’s getting out as well with a confused look on his face. “Where are we? W-what are we doing?”

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know, but we’ll find out.”

They end up walking past the old Autumn Smile Apple Orchard, and it’s abandoned, but Connor makes Evan go into it with him. And they just walk.

Evan tells him about living with just his mom, and how they got by together. Connor tells Evan about his family, about Larry and Cynthia and Zoe. Evan looks shocked by this, surprised that Connor’s family gets into that many arguments. Connor says that he wishes he had a mom like Heidi Hansen, who cared completely for him and wanted what was best for him. Evan says that he’s always wanted a family, a real one, that he feels like there is so much he doesn’t have.

And as they’re walking, the sun begins to set. Connor stops walking for a second, looking up at the sky, and Evan has stopped too. Evan is looking up as well, and there’s just silence for a moment. For the first time since that phone call, he can physically feel the connection he has to Evan. Connor drifts his eyes from the sky to Evan in front of him, and it’s almost as if there’s a surge of electricity that’s connecting the two together. He can’t see it, but he can feel it, and it feels almost supernatural.

Because they’re here, right now, and they’re alive. Connor is alive. Evan is alive. And for this second, even though his life is still pretty fucked up, he has someone. Evan Hansen. Standing in front of him.

Evan looks back at him, and there’s a small smile on his face.

And Connor feels himself smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLOOOO
> 
> so i saw dear evan hansen this weekend!!! i'm totally not from nyc either so that's why it took me kinda long to update, i had to travel there and all that jazz. that's also why this update is short, i just wanted to get something up.
> 
> the show was absolutely amazing and i am completely shook and also inspired to write LOADS so expect lots of updates this week :)
> 
> once again, your comments are what motivate me, so thank you to everyone for reading and enjoying!


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you know his dad moved back in with him?” Connor asked.
> 
> Jared’s head shoots up. “What?”
> 
> “Yeah, Evan told me on the weekend.”
> 
> Jared looks past Connor’s head. “That’s- that’s fucked up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse

For the first time in who-knows-how-long, Connor is sitting in his car in the school parking lot not feeling completely horrible. He wouldn’t say he’s happy, and he wouldn’t say he’s excited about school, but the feeling reminded him of when he was younger and him and his family would go on vacation in the summer. When he knew that a vacation was coming, it made getting through the last few school days much easier because he had something to look forward to. Having Evan Hansen to spend lunch with made getting through his first classes easier.

Except that, like a lot of other things in his life, that didn’t exactly work out. 

Connor found himself staring down at the empty spot that him and Evan had been spending lunches eating. Evan wasn’t here.

Connor frustratingly ran a hand through his hair and took his phone out.

connor: you at school?

While he waited for a reply, he walked back inside the school.

He searched the halls for Jared Kleinman, wondering if he had any idea where Evan was. It took him a bit, but Connor eventually found Jared leaned up against his locker scrolling through his phone.

“Is Evan at school today?” Connor asked.

Jared looked up from his phone and smirked. “Hello to you too.”

Connor crossed his arms and leaned against a locker. “Well?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “No, he wasn’t in class. Why? Worried about your boyfriend?”

Now Connor rolled his eyes. “Isn’t that weird? That he wasn’t in class?”

Jared shrugged. “I mean, yeah, but I’m sure he’s fine. Seriously though, are you two fucking?”

Connor just stared at him. “No, Jared, we’re not, we’re just- hanging out.”

Jared stuffs his phone in his pocket and turns to face Connor. “Why? You, Evan, why?”

“Is it so hard to believe that we’re friends?”

Jared’s eyes widen. “Yes! It is!”

Connor shakes his head. “Why? Why is that so hard?”

“Because! Evan’s never had friends. You just never seem to care about anything, and now suddenly you two, COMPLETE opposites, are hanging out,” Jared waves his hand around. “That, just doesn’t happen.”

Connor bangs his head against the locker. “Well, it’s happened now.” Connor starts to walk away from Jared, but then he stops, remembering something.

“You said you and Evan are ‘family friends’ right?” Connor asked, turning back around.

Jared sighs. “Yeah yeah, hiding behind the label, I know-“

“Did you know his dad moved back in with him?” Connor asked.

Jared’s head shoots up. “What?”

“Yeah, Evan told me on the weekend.”

Jared looks past Connor’s head. “That’s- that’s fucked up.”

Connor takes a few steps back towards Jared. “I was thinking the same thing, and I don’t even have all of the details.”

Jared shakes his head in disbelief. “It’s just- that really fucked Evan up, you know? Him leaving. Me and Evan don’t- we don’t talk about serious shit often, but trust me, it messed him up.”

Connor’s worry grew. “Like with his anxiety?”

Jared shrugged. “Nah, I mean, I’m no psychologist, but his anxiety is a whole other thing. But- yeah I imagine his dad leaving played into that. Pretty sure he has depression as well, according to my mom, so that obviously is anther factor. I don’t know, there was this one time that we were hanging out, before high school, and his dad called him… he had a full-fledged panic attack. Scared the shit out of me.”

Connor’s heart sank at the mention of depression. Evan and Connor’s similarities were slowly growing, it would seem. But still, all of this information was just making Connor hate Evan’s dad more with each passing minute.

“Fuck.” Was all Connor could say.

“Yeah,” Jared sighed. “So his dad moving back, that’s not great.”

Connor was silent. Jared was looking at him with interest, so Connor raised an eyebrow. 

Jared cleared his throat. “Listen, uh, Connor, I know I’ve kind of been an ass but- I mean, you and Evan- that is cool, you know? Evan could use someone who cares about him. So- you know, just, keep an eye on him, yeah?”

Connor stared at Jared. “That almost killed you didn’t it? Saying something mildly nice.”

Jared let out a laugh. “It did, it really did.”

Connor shook his head. “Yeah, yeah I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Connor began to walk away again. But stopped one last time. 

“It wouldn’t hurt for you to keep an eye on him, either.”

Jared didn’t reply, so Connor walked away.

-

Connor walked to his car after school having no recollection of that feeling he had before school started. He got in the front seat, slamming his door behind him, when his phone beeped.

evan: no

Connor just stared at the text for a second.

connor: thanks captain obvious

connor: what’s up? 

Evan stopped replying again, and Connor didn’t feel like driving until he knew that Evan was alright. He waited and waited and waited, watching all of the other teens get into their cars and drive away. Connor wasn’t in a hurry to get home, but he was starting to lose his mind.

Then he got an idea. He could just… drive over to Evan’s house. Would that be weird? Was Connor being clingy? Oh god, he was, Evan doesn’t show up for school for one day and Connor turns into the clingy friend.

But still, something felt weird here. Very weird. Almost- almost supernaturally weird? Like something inside of him felt off. When he was at the orchard, and he felt the line of energy connecting him and Evan, the earth felt in balance. Something just felt right- he felt okay for a moment. But now, now something felt off. Like he was standing on one foot trying to balance himself. And the thought of driving to Evan’s house, of being near him and assuring that he was alright… well, he felt an invisible tug to go in that direction.

So he turned the keys in his car, and stepped on the gas.

-

Evan was laying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling.

He didn’t feel completely there. He felt miles away, but he also didn’t feel the motivation to care? Which was weird. Had the anxiety been knocked out of him? Maybe his depression decided to grow larger and knock his anxiety out of his body because there could only be one overcoming mental illness. 

His mom was at work all day and all night, and his dad - he was out job scouting. So Evan was home alone.

His body felt like it weighed a billion tons. Some force was holding him against the bed, unable to move. His eyes felt heavy from a night spent crying, and his throat felt dry and crackly from hyperventilating. 

_“I don’t understand Evan,” His dad was yelling at him. “How could you let it get this bad?”_

__

__

__

_“I didn’t- I wasn’t-“_

_“Jesus Christ! I knew as a kid you were a little different but fuck! Therapy? Medication? How could this happen?”_

_“I’ve been trying to be better-“_

_“Well you’re not trying hard enough!_

__

__

Evan shut his eyes as his brain flashed back to the memories of last night. His dad, Martin Hansen had stunk of alcohol. His mom wasn’t home, working another night shift, so it was just those two together.

It had felt weird and awkward at first. Especially when Heidi had left saying that either Martin could make them something or they could go out for dinner. It was weird because Evan and his mom had a routine. A routine of leftovers and Evan ordering in. But now… now he had his dad? His dad with him at night?

Things turned sour pretty quickly. As soon as Heidi left for work Martin took out a bottle of rum that he had hidden away. Evan’s anxiety immediately spiked from where he sat on the couch, and it didn’t take long for his dad to notice.

_“What’s with the fidgeting?”_

_“What? Oh- I- um, I don’t-“_

_“And now the stuttering?”_

_“i’m not trying to-“_

_“For gods sake, Evan.”_

That’s when Martin questioned Evan about the therapy, and Evan let it slip that he takes anxiety medication, and Martin grew more and more angry.

_“Stand up like a real man and look at me.”_

_Evan had stood up and met his dad’s eyes, but he couldn’t keep the eye contact. Martin grabbed a hold of his son’s chin and made him look at him._

_“You need to be better.”_

_“I’m trying-“_

_“You’re not!”_

_Evan felt a surge of anger run through him like a shock. Because his dad hasn’t been here, how would he have any idea how hard he’s been trying?_

_“I am! And if you were actually here you would see it-“_

_“I don’t need to see that you’re going down a road of medication and therapy when you could just try-“_

_“I have been! I try every damn day! I-I’ve been better- I’m trying to b-be b-better-“_

_SLAP._

Evan’s eyes flew open from the memory. His breathing picked up again, and he was suddenly sitting up. The tears in his eyes were welling again, and he ran to the bathroom to look at his face.

There was a cut on his cheek from where his father’s ring had broken skin, and the bruising around it was purple. Evan had froze after the impact had been made, and so did his father. After the frozen moment, Martin had said that he didn’t mean to do that, that Evan had made him, and that that’s what happens when Evan talks back. So Evan had just nodded, not being able to speak. Martin told him to never tell his mother this, to say that he was out with friends and he had fell over, so that’s what Evan was going to do.

And as he stared at himself in the mirror, his self hatred grew. Connor would have fought back. Connor would have probably yelled and told him no way in hell. Connor would have told his mother, and Martin would already be out of the house.

But Evan couldn’t. Because Evan had never see his mother so happy, so joyous, so awake. She looked like she had been sleeping more, like she had less responsibility, which was probably Evan’s fault. Evan knew he was a lot to deal with, especially for one parent. So, having two parents took the load off of Heidi.

So Evan could live with this. He had to. He would. For his mom.

He walked back into his bedroom and picked up his phone. He had to reply to Connor.

evan: no

connor: thanks captain obvious

connor: what’s up? 

Evan couldn’t reply after that. How could he tell Connor what was up? He supposed he could tell him he was sick like he told his mom this morning, but he had a feeling Connor would see right through that. So instead he just threw his phone on his bed and went downstairs to sit on the kitchen counter and stare at the wall. He couldn’t eat, he didn’t have an appetite.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there when the doorbell rang.

He immediately hopped down from the counter and kneeled on the floor, just in case the person at the front could see him through any windows. He crawled over to the nearest wall where he knew from many years of experience would keep him hidden.

The doorbell rang again, except this time the person also knocked.

Evan’s heart was racing.

But then he heard a voice.

“Hansen? I swear if you’re in there and you’re ignoring me-“

Connor? Evan immediately got up, but then he hesitated. Shit, his face. He would lie. He would just lie and say he fell and Connor would laugh and tell him he’s a mess and Evan would laugh too and it would be fine. Yes, it would be fine. Nobody needs to know.

Evan opened up the door.

Connor’s face went from relief to worry in a split second. 

“H-hey Connor.”

Connor stormed into the house, grabbing Evan’s hand. Evan immediately felt a surge of electricity go through him at the touch, and something inside of him evened out. Connor pulled him through the hall so that they both had room to stand in the kitchen and then put both hands on Evan’s shoulders, looking at Evan’s face. Evan didn’t have a problem meeting Connor’s eyes, although Evan’s were already beginning to get blurry with tears.

“What happened, Evan?”

“I f-“

He couldn’t finish his sentence. He physically could not tell Connor his lie.

“I- I fe-“

And then he sobbed.

And Connor pulled him into a hug.

And Evan became hysterical again.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Connor tried, rubbing Evan’s back and holding his head to his chest.

“It was your dad, wasn’t it?”

Evan sobbed harder, but nodded. He didn’t even need to question how Connor knew. Connor just got it. Somehow, from the moment he met Connor, he just got him. They got each other. They had only known each other for a few days, but Evan already felt this connection to Connor, like a line of electricity. It was weird and incredible and amazing and seemingly impossible. 

They stayed like that for a bit until Evan was able to breathe better. 

The next part was very blurry. All Evan knew was that he felt safe in Connor’s arms, comforted, like he was in the right place for the first time in years. Connor brought him upstairs and they laid on Evan’s bed in silence for who knows how long. Evan couldn’t help thinking how weird it was that this was the first time Connor was seeing Evan’s house, and his room, but he didn’t care. His anxiety felt lessened just by being held by Connor, and he wanted to enjoy the moment.

Because even though his life was very messed up at the moment, for right now, he was with Connor. And Connor was there for him. And Connor cared. And that was enough, even for one minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyyyyy
> 
> (also mind the new tags)


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, you’re not a problem, you’re a person, there’s a difference.”

“They’re gonna be home soon, you should go.”

Connor and Evan were sitting up now on Evan’s bed, their backs against the wall that the bed was against. Evan had his legs crossed, and Connor’s were sprawled out in front on him, hanging off of the bed. Evan’s knee was on top of Connor’s leg.

“If you think I’m leaving you here, you’re batshit out of your mind.” Connor replied.

“Well, that much is true.” Evan said back.

Connor doesn’t think he’s ever felt more present and aware than this moment in his life. Evan’s room was completely clear in front of him. Evan’s leg touching his felt electric. The room smelled of air freshener and mildly of sweat, and his heart beat hadn’t quite slowed down. Everything that had happened today was on full replay in his mind, and his brain was having troubles processing. But at the same time, he was present. He felt like he had to be, because his life no longer felt like just his anymore. It felt like Evan’s too.

“You have to tell your mom, Evan.”

Evan exhaled and looked down at his hands in his lap. “I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“No, I can’t!” Evan exclaimed. “You don’t understand- she’s so happy. I’ve never seen her so happy.”

Connor looked at him. “If you think she’d be happy to know she’s sleeping in the same bed as someone who hit her son, you’re mistaken.” 

Evan ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up in puffs. “I have one more year of school, then I can leave this place and- even if I can’t get into college, I’ll- I’ll go somewhere. And then they can be happy together and she never has to know that he-“

Evan cut himself off, not able to say the words.

Connor grabbed Evan’s hand on instinct. As he did it, he couldn’t help but think how natural it felt, how normal. If someone had told him a few weeks ago that he would openly grab another person’s hand without hesitating, he would laugh in their face.

Evan looked at their hands, and then up into Connor’s eyes. 

“How do you know this won’t happen again?” Connor asked softly.

Evan looked past Connor’s head, and then back into his eyes. “I just- I just have to stay away from him. I have to not talk back- it was- it was my fault-“

“Don’t.” Connor replied, gritting his teeth. Evan furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Do not say it was your fault, Evan, or I’ll tell your mom myself.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “You can’t, Connor, I’m serious-“

“I won’t, but if you actually believe that you are the reason he hit you, I will. Because that’s not fucking okay.”

Connor felt angry. He wasn’t angry at Evan, obviously, but the fact that this asshole was able to just move back into Evan’s house and see this boy who was clearly vulnerable, clearly going through stuff, and hit him? Connor had never felt a rage like this before.

Sure, he would get angry with his family and throw things and it’s because of that that his family is such a damn mess, but this was a different anger. This was an anger that wasn’t about him. It was an anger that was for someone else. He felt an overwhelming need to protect this boy beside him, to make sure that no one ever touches him again. 

Evan was silent beside him. Connor sighed. 

“Why don’t we go to my house?”

Evan looked confused. “Now?”

Connor nodded, already standing up. “You can tell your parents that we’re working on a project and you can even stay the night.”

Evan looked hesitant, but Connor watched the decision be made in his eyes, and then he was standing up.

Evan quickly packed his things into a backpack while Connor looked around Evan’s room in interest. He had a lot of books, and movies, and the place was generally pretty tidy. Evan kept sneaking glances at Connor as he stuffed stuff into his bag, but Connor pretended not to notice.

When he was finished they headed downstairs, only stopping when they heard keys jingling on the other end of the door.

Connor had never seen Evan’s eyes open so wide. 

“C-connor, if it’s my dad- you need to, you need to act normal, okay-“

Connor felt his hands move to fists. “Yeah. Sure.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Connor-“

“I won’t act weird.”

The door opened, and Connor saw Evan visibly exhale at the sight of Heidi Hansen coming through the door.

“Evan! Hi, oh, and hello-“

She was smiling so wide at Connor that Connor couldn’t help but smile back.

“Um, mom, this is Connor- the friend I mentioned?” Evan was fiddling with the zipper on his shirt.

Heidi walked forward and wrapped her arms around Connor, and Connor was too shocked at first to immediately react, but after a second he hugged her back.

“Nice to meet you,” He said once she pulled away.

“It is very nice to meet you as well!” She looked at Evan. “Although Evan, you did say you were sick this morning-“

“i’m feeling better now,” He dismissed, looking down.

“What’s with the bag?” She asked, looking at Connor and then back at Evan.

“I asked Evan if he wanted to come over to my house to work on this project that we were assigned today,” Connor said believably.

“Oh, well, you can work on it here if you would like?” She asked, grinning wide.

Evan looked at Connor, clearly lost for words.

“Well, thank you but, my parents actually invited Evan over for dinner so, you know, we just thought we would work on it there.” Connor added a smile.

Heidi nodded, looking at Evan. “Well, alrighty then, as long as you’re feeling better?”

She walked over to Evan and put her hand on his neck, her thumb lightly inspecting the bruise on his cheek. 

“God, it looks even worse than this morning,” She shook her head. “No falling over at Connor’s, okay?”

She said it so kindly that it made Connor’s stomach hurt. If only she knew.

Evan’s eyes flickered over to Connor’s, but then he nodded at his mom.

“Alright, let me know if you need anything, okay?” Heidi smiled.

Connor and Evan left the house.

As they were driving over to Connor’s, neither spoke for a minute.

Connor cleared his throat. “So, um, a few things…”

Connor could feel Evan’s attention on him.

“As I told you at the orchard - my dad, he’s not very talkative right now, my mom will probably try to smuggle you, and Zoe - well, she’ll probably be confused that I even brought someone over in the first place.”

Evan nodded.

“And, uh, one more thing,” Connor continued. “I’m gay, my parents don’t know but Zoe does so, if she acts extra weird it’s probably because I’m bringing a dude over to the house.”

Connor didn’t look over at Evan, but he could feel the surprise at his words. 

“Oh! That’s- um, wow, okay, that’s, yeah-“

“So yeah if that’s a problem-“

“No!” Evan exclaimed. “I’m bi? So, no problem at all, I just didn’t know. Or think, even.”

Now Connor felt shocked, but he didn’t want to let it show. Evan was bi? Connor hadn’t thought he was straight, he just hadn’t really thought anything at all. But now with this new information, it was easy for him to feel taken aback.

Connor cleared his throat again. “Well, now that we’ve both came out to each other…”

Evan let out a laugh, and Connor felt his insides flutter.

“Your mom seems really nice,” Connor said, thinking back to that interaction.

They were pulling into Connor’s driveway now, but when Connor shut the car off he didn’t immediately get out. Neither did Evan. They liked being alone.

“She is,” Evan said, but his eyes looked sad. “She - well, I try for her.”

Connor looked at Evan. “What do you mean?”

Evan fidgeted. “I mean, she worries, you know? And, I hate how much she worries, it makes me feel guilty.”

Connor thought back to Cynthia’s worried looks, but for some reason he always felt like she was taking Larry’s side over Connor’s.

“Worrying shows that she cares though, right?” Connor replied.

Evan bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah yeah, I know, but….. I just feel like a problem.”

That hit home to Connor. He nodded. Larry never shied away from making it obvious that he looked at Connor like a big problem.

“Well, you’re not a problem, you’re a person, there’s a difference.”

That got Evan to smile a little, and Connor took that as a win.

Connor only briefly had time to think about how he should listen to his own advice before they were walking inside the house.

And oh man, Connor should have called ahead.

They opened the front door to hear distant bickering between the Murphy parents. Zoe was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, her one eyebrow raising at the sight of Evan.

“Mom will love this,” She said lightly, looking at Connor.

“Evan, Zoe,” Connor motioned, briefly introducing them. “What are they fighting about?”

“You’ve got one guess,” Zoe said. “It starts with a C.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Perfect.”

They all turned their heads as the footsteps got louder.

“You can’t just turn radio silent, LARRY! That’s not constructive! And- oh, oh hello!”

Cynthia Murphy had waltzed into the room mid-yell and only stopped once she got sight of Evan standing awkwardly in the kitchen. Her cheeks went bright red.

Evan was practically vibrating next to Connor. Connor subtly put a hand of Evan’s back, and Zoe’s eyes widened.

“Uh, hello, I’m, uh, I’m Evan… Connor’s friend?” Evan stuttered awkwardly.

“Yes! Yes, Connor mentioned you the other day! Hi! Welcome! I’m Cynthia,” She smiled so wide. “Sorry about, about that, we were just discussing something, but come in!”

Connor started heading for the stairs, motioning for Evan to follow. “We have a project to work on so we’re just gonna go upstairs.”

“Of course! I’ll get started on dinner, I imagine you’re staying for dinner, Evan?” Cynthia asked.

Evan nodded, his cheeks red. “Yes, I would love to?”

“Great!”

That was the moment that Larry Murphy decided to walk into the room, and Connor internally groaned. His father must have caught wind of what was happening because he looked like he was trying too hard to act normal.

“Larry Murphy,” He offered his hand to Evan.

They shook hands, and Connor felt his annoyance growing. Larry hadn’t looked at Connor once. Evan looked like he was starting to get overwhelmed, his breathing coming out a little quicker than before, so Connor headed for the stairs again.

“We’ll be in my room,” Connor said, muttering the last part to himself. “If you care.”

Once they were inside Connor shut the door behind him and fell onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

“That was a train wreck.”

“I think it was okay,” Evan said, sitting on the edge of the bed and clearly trying not to take up too much space. “Your mom seems ni-“

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Connor said.

He didn’t want to sound mean to Evan, but his family was one big mess. Once you began to understand one part of them, you would soon realize that that is not even breaking the ice. 

Evan didn’t seem to understand that. 

“She seems like she’s trying,” Evan said quietly.

“Yeah, she SEEMS that way,” Connor replied. “The last time we’ve had a conversation that didn’t revolve around my problems or it didn’t feel like she was walking on egg shells was… well, I can’t even remember.”

Evan’s voice was very quiet, and it took him a minute to reply. “it just seems nice to have a full family.”

Connor laughed darkly. “Okay.”

“I’m serious!” Evan exclaimed, moving so he was sitting beside Connor’s head, looking down at him. “My whole life it’s just been my mom and I, and she’s always working so- I don’t know.”

“We should switch families.”

“Sure.” 

“No one gets my dad, though.”

“He can be thrown out onto the streets.” Connor said, the anger bubbling again.

They were both quiet again, the silence comfortable. Connor wondered what his family was doing downstairs. Zoe probably retreated, going to stalk Evan on social media. His parents were probably quietly fighting, now very aware of their guest.

“Do you know why they were fighting about you?” Evan asked quietly.

Connor sighed. “Judging by the ‘radio silent’ comment, my mom is mad at my dad for how he’s decided to deal with me as of late.”

Evan went quiet again. Connor could tell he was curious. Connor had filled him in on some of the family history at the orchard, but he hadn’t got too detailed. So Connor sat up and crossed his legs, fiddling with his fingers in his lap.

“My mom is very proactive, she’s always looking for ways to fix me. My dad seems to be under the impression that I’m faking it, that I’m just stubborn and violent, so whenever my mom brings up therapy or rehab my dad shuts her down.”

Connor looked up at Evan. Evan was watching him with his full attention, and he had stopped fidgeting. All of his attention was on Connor, and his eyes didn’t look sad or uncomfortable. They just looked interested, like he cared but in the most genuine way possible. Connor had never had someone listen to him like this before. It encouraged him to go on.

“Whenever we fight I, uh, I get really angry? You haven’t seen me when I’ve been, like, really bad. I just feel this force come over me and the only way to release it is to throw something or kick something or punch something. And the last big Murphy fight ended with my mom threatening to call the cops and since then, my dad has just shut down. Like, he’s just given up. It’s like I’m gone already.”

Evan had laid his hand on Connor’s knee throughout that, and Connor felt embarrassed at the shaking in his hands. 

“I’ve been to doctors before, and therapy, but they didn’t work out. I think that’s why my dad thinks I’m doing it for attention, because I’m too fucking broken for doctors to fix me-”

“I don’t-“ Evan interrupted. “You’re not- don’t say you’re broken. I had to go through a few therapists before I found one that I was even a little comfortable with.”

“And then there’s my mom. I see that she’s trying, but I don’t feel like she looks at me like her son anymore? Sometimes I feel like I scare her, I’m just this big problem in her life-

“You’re not a problem, you’re a person, there’s a difference.” Evan repeated what Connor said earlier.

Connor couldn’t help but smile. “It sounds different when you’re the one receiving the advice.”

They went back to sitting in silence. Talking about his family made Connor want to smoke, but that wasn’t exactly an option right now. Connor couldn’t tell Evan that the reason he hadn’t been bad lately was because he knew that he still had the option to kill himself when this was all over with the voice. It was a calming reassurance, something always in the back of his mind. 

“So, when are you going to tell your mom about your dad?” Connor asked, ripping off the bandaid.

“I already told you, I can’t-“

“Evan.”

Evan brought his knees up to his chest, hugging them. Connor’s heart did another little flutter, but he swatted it away. They were on a serious topic.

“Okay, let’s make a deal, you have a month to tell her,” Connor said, craning his neck down so that he could meet Evan’s eyes. “Because I know how hard it can be sometimes to get the words out.”

Evan was starting to nod.

“BUT,” Connor interjected. “If he hits you again, you tell her immediately.”

Evan stared long and hard at Connor, but finally he nodded.

“Can you be there? When I tell her?”

Connor nodded. “Whatever you need.”

And Connor truly met that. Whatever Evan needed, he was ready to give. He wasn’t sure what made this attachment grow so quickly. Maybe it was because it was a time of crisis and people always bond faster during these kind of situations. Or maybe it was this electric energy, this supernatural wire that was connecting the two of them together. Either way, Connor wasn’t questioning it. For now, the plan was to stay on mission. Help Evan Hansen, and then it’s up to him what happens after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: i might be taking a break from updating this fic. i'm feeling a little discouraged right now. it sucks bc i know how much i've hated in the past when writers just abruptly stop a story, but idk... i'm really sorry. my decision isn't final but i just thought i would let you all know what's happening.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so HI
> 
> my head has been spinning with the amount of fic ideas revolved around this damn musical so i thought i would go ahead and write one. the chapters will usually be much longer than this but i wanted to get something up just to get this train rolling. so here's the first part, and you can look out for chapter two sometime within the next couple of days (likely tomorrow or hell, even tonight if i get excited).
> 
> oh yeah also, in relation to the musical... i changed a few things. evan has NOT broken his arm yet, and the date connor tried to kill himself is three weeks after he pushes evan (opposed to in the actual musical, he kills himself a few days after). i think that's all.
> 
> happy reading :)


End file.
